Buttied..... buttfucked.....cunted.

Like most of the other blogs have covered, drinking has been the name of the game recently, with a host of nights out recently since '10 pint Porter' returned from up north. The title of this blog includes words that have been consistently and affectionally used by myself and others who i've been drinking with.

Thursday was a good night as there were shit loads of heads and very roudy banter. This reminded me of the good old days (like in my i-phone screen saver) where everyone would be out and you could sit back, close your eyes and immerse yourself in the crass bent around you. We lost the darts bet AGAIN. Although its been a very unpredictable and frustrating premier league in terms of trying to call the outcomes of the 4 matches each week i would happily lose for the remaining weeks if we won when we actually go to watch it at Wembley Arena. If we all betted on the same outcome and it came in that would be fucking nuts.

I went to Brighton this weekend. No sooner than i had stepped into the flat i was offered (ordered) to do the following dare - to eat a spoonful of horse radish and a hallipino in return for an ice cold pint. Now back in my student days i wouldn't have thought twice about doing it. But even as a working lad i still have this scrounging mentality and ended up doing the dare. Needless to say the bastard things blew my bloody head off and of course i never saw the pint that i was promised later in the evening.

Other funny moments included smoking a fag outside, being told that we were leaving even though i'd only just sparked up, so i carried the lit fag through the bar area in full view and i think i had a couple of cheeky drags along the way as well. I had a completely pointless arm wrestle with a mate who is left handed. He'd fuck me with his left arm and i'd do the same with my right. Utterly pointless.

Lastly i was told off by some girl mates about my behaviour with Kluft. Its funny how boys and girls mentality is different sometimes. The girls were saying things like think how the bf would feel, you can do better, you're living dangerously. Where as the boys were saying to keep doing her, could they join in, would there be any possibility of taking some pictures.

The Weekend

Friday
Went to Watford with J and Alex. You could tell this was going to be a good night right from the start. Sometimes you just have that feeling. Everyone's bent was on fire, the beer was slipping down like a treat and i felt really up for it. These are your 'Moments of Mirth':

• Hearing Alex's account of doing the walls of jericho on his girlfriend in the taxi. LOL. To the point where she was pressed down on the floor, carpet burn on her cheeks, tears streaming down her face, barely able to breathe! This is a great advert for the LWO and great t0 see that one of the mandible twins has been preparing for a re-match this easter with the Yates brothers.
• The happy birthday song - the 3 of us revamped and 'Mark Ronsoned' this traditional song into a freestyling delight. It included an extra special snippet of the song 'beautiful' half way through with dramatic pauses and harmonies to add to this. Yet when we went to sing it to the birthday girl Lucy Hilton we were thwarted by cutlers who drowned out our version and stuck to the normal one. urgh.
• Lamb - We asked the barman for some sambuca, thinking this was a nice rough shot to get the birthday girl. But no, according to the said gentleman, this wasn't brutal enough. He had something much worse up his sleive. A white rum that soon had the nickname 'lamb' was what returned. Hilton struggled with the 3 shots, sipping them like a fruit juice, her hand firmly clasped around her mouth. She wasn't sick but the 3 of us certainly contributed in a big way to her leaving that shithole buttfucked.
• Introducing awkwardness - now we talked about this at the pub, with Alex telling a funny story of awkwardness when meeting his house mates parents. We discussed what was acceptable and what we normally did and how something that should be so trivial and inconsequential can actually lead to embarrasement. Later when we were being introduced to Hilton's friends the exact thing we talked about happened! I went for a peck on the cheek (mistake in hindsight) Al went for a handshake and J a 'Hi'. This concept could easily warrant a separate, more detailed blog as it really is so complex!
• Area - me and Al ventured onto Area and pretty much straight to the dancefloor. I grinded one hot blond girl, was instructed by Al to dance with another blonde who i pulled then disaster struck. I was informed that Hilton's mate Hope liked me and was making certain enquiries about my availability. No sooner had this chat finished but two outstreched hands were before me and not having the skills to think quickly enough to avoid the situation i was indulging in a sloppy, nicotine tasting snog. I wanted out and cryed for help from Al. I eventually managed to break away but had to endure frowning and dissaproving looks from Hope and 'why wasn't i dancing with her anymore?.'
• The place turned into a shithole, one 3 blacks took to the stage and started rapping. Suddenly we were in the minority and we made the decision to get out of there sharpish. We walked to the taxi pick up point and would you believe it, 50 yards up the road there stood the gay, Hilton and Hope. nooooo! We had an awkward group chat and a very, very awkward goodbye and then off to bed at 2.45

Saturday

• Harrow was the destination this time. And this time both Lucy's had to be satisfied in secret. We had to meet with Timbury in some shithole in Harrow on the Hill. The story that we planned to tell her when we were leaving was that we had some other place to be (40th birthday at the British legion was talked about) but the main thing was to NOT mention going to Hilton's party at Harrow Cricket club. Otherwise the bricks and golf clubs would be dusted off. 2 or 3 jacques later and Gary almost blew our cover. Luckily Timbury didn't cotton on and we breathed a sigh of relief.
• Big Break remix - this was fucking hilarious and one of my favourite moments of the whole weekend. From no where we were singing the Tenerife classic again but this time the verison was: 'It's only a fuck so, you'd better believe i'm right. I'm gonna be fucking her cunt tonight, der der der der der der der der.' I can't remember the next bit but it ended with 'there's gonna be dick in her gob, dick in her bum, dick in her cunt tnight. Timbury. Dick her gob, dick in her bum, dick in her cunt tonight. Timbury! eeeeuuurrrggghhhh (loud ejaculation noises to replicate the sound at the end of the normal, more pleasant version!) This was sung by 5 lads at the top of our voices walking down Harrow high street.
• we eventually got to the shithole with the sometimes helpful, sometimes not i-phone to aid us and got stuck into eyeing up some 18 year olds and getting some fosters. One girl had an outfit that left nothing to the imagination and J rightfully explored the idea of how easy it would be to slip it in on the dancefloor at some point.
• Balloon bursting - the night ended and me and J were standing by some balloons by the wall on the dancefloor. I can't remember who's idea it was but we decided to try and burst the balloons with our heads. So we proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes doing so. One person holding the balloon in place and the other flying head first into it. J won the competition by bursting one and our desire to burst the last one was stopped by Martin Lewis. lol.
• The night ended with us searching for Gary who had wandered of hand in hand with some slapper. When in the taxi Gary said 'i would have fucked that girl by the willow tree, but i decided to be sick instead'. The journey home was memorable for ruining any chance Gary had of speaking to Janine on the phone by making a complete racket and singing one last chorus of our new Big Break song.

Right, i'm off for another wank....

what? another blogg? you fucking nutter!

Last Night
I went to that shithole Sway last night with Gareth, Daz and J. We had the unfortunate situation of being caught up with all the sweaty Engerland fans on the train at wembley and it was bloody packed. J was half hanging out at one point and the situation wasn't made any better having to endure slurping from a couple right next to us. Not only were they complete dog breaths and butt ugly but their endless pecking and sloppy kissing was enough to form a furrowed frown on daz's face!
We went to a dump for pre drinks and got stuck into some strongbows. As you're all aware, we sometimes drink lager, somtimes cider. Different drinks for different needs. We congregated ourselves round the fruit machine and played the monopoly game only to be thwarted on a number of occasions by a dodgy question about castles or something along those lines. It was quite funny as after we'd vacated, two guys that looked no better than a pair of tramps scuttled over and won!
In Sway we decided to go upstairs to the Restaurant area and sank some cheap wine and traded crass and yuppie bent. Daz and J got the last train home and me and gareth then went downstairs for larks. At this point i started to get really buttied and don't remember a lot apart from galavanting around the dancefloor with Gareth persuing some spanish girls. We saw Fragma live and i think gareth spoke to her briefly.
We then left and had a wretchedly long walk to Marble Arch to catch the oxford tube back to Hillingdon. We always seem to get unlucky with how long we have to wait, there were countless busses to Luton Airport but no sign of ours. At this stage it was getting pretty cold and we were both shattered. I was so buttfucked i couldn't even fucking text properly, so got Gareth to text on my behalf, letting AC know i was travelling back.
Eventually the bus came and then at Hillingdon we got a cab back to eastcote. The taxi driver tried to con us with what he was going to charge, so i'll transcribe Gareth's account of events that he texted this afternoon:
'How much mate?' 'That will be £18 please' 'what the....we only came from Hillingdon, i'll get out here.' 'ok, £14' 'ok mate, here's how it is, i'm simply not paying that, we weren't born yesterday' 'i'm afraid it costs more because its a sunday' 'oh come off it mate, we aren't exactly stopping you from going to church!'
hahahaha! I think Gareth even got his phone out to show him the mileage and in the rear view mirror i could see he started to look guilty.
In the end i got in at 5.50am with the birds tweeting (always a bad sign) and it starting oto get very light.
Needless to say i was incredibly hungover today....

Update

Sport

It's getting very interesting in the Premier League now. Every game that passes now, Fergie is looking more red faced, chewing even more gum and apparently has been venting his anger and frustration at the petulant, fat necked Wayne Rooney in training recently. I still think the Scousers will bottle it but one more slip up from united and there could be a a different name at the top of the league.
Andy Murray beat Federer in the Masters AGAIN the other day. Apparently there was a bit of niggle too and not suprisingly so. Imagine losing to that pale, droning git again, it would do your fucking head in. Luckily enough i've got tickets to go and see the final Masters event at the o2 arena later in the year. Any anti Murray chants, banners you have - pass them to me and i'll happily relay the message when i'm there.
F1 looks like it will be vastly different to last year with Ferrari and Mclaren dominating. Apparently the best car in practice ahead of the first Grand prix this weekend is the Honda team with Jenson Button. Just goes to show that it's the car and not the drivers. Hopefully people will cut out the Lewis Hamilton wanking sessions, the wankers!

Bent

Went out with Daz and some ex work colleagues to Roadhouse in Covent Garden on Saturday. It was a good night, considering everyone was shattered before we'd even got there. Me and Daz had some wine and not before long we were grinding the shit out of each other and anyone who dared to walk past. The lowlight of the night was having to pay 20p to use the toilet at North Acton. What a shithole! Daz made sure it remained that way by slashing on the floor in the cubicle next to me with the splash back almost going up my leg! dirty!
Got Don's birthday bent down the den tonight, so sure as hell we'll be drinking ourselves into a stupour and delivering loud and crass bent. Which brings me onto the Lucie's. Me and J were chuckling the other day at how we're keeping them both sweet. They dislike each other which was made even more obvious last Thursday with a tipsy Hilton explaining her side of the 'bricked house & swinging golf clubs at house party gate'. J made comment that as long as we nod our heads and grunt the odd approval at their dislike of the other Lucie then our loyalty is still in tact (without their knowledge) and we still get a cunt load of drink!

Tennis

I played tennis yesterday with G-Dor and J. We played at 9am like the freaks we are, bundled up in thick layers with the frosty courts allowing very little bounce. It was the first time i'd played on the shitholes so i was excited to say the least. All 3 of us played reasonably ok, considering we're not completely back in the swing of things yet and we're only likely to improve from here on in.
Moments that tickeled me:

• After nev had shown his suprise at why we were playing and so early, J replied saying that we felt like doing something really radical and off the wall lol! It's quite funny that it's become such a rarerity that we play these days that it's reached the point where we feel like we're extremists!
• When gareth asked Nev if he'd been playing much, he replied saying 'yeah about 30 years' lol lol
• A really abysmal sequence of games culminating in J doing a smash that should have gone miles over the back fence but somehow fizzed up into orbit with the most viscious amount of spin and somehow landing in!
• An off-peaker turned up and said to my mum, 'when are these juniors finishing up then?'. Not only was he mocking our standard of play, but calling us juniors?! Baring in mind 3 of us are early 20's and the other mid 30's it seems a fucking daft thing to say!
• Doing weird imaginary celebrations opposite Gareth at the net
• Nev commenting to J (after he'd hit a backhand slice into the net) that his game very much resembles that of Andy Murray's. With J groaning in disapointment! lol

I'm looking forward to the next hit. We were supposed to play again today but the weather is dire and having played tennis and doing gym yesterday my arms are fucked.

A Catch Up

It's been a long time since i've blogged and like Gareth says on his recent post, i shan't make promises that this will be a regular return to action, but i will do my best to post more frequently and less sporadically.

I've just been watching some of the snooker. The masters is always a good tournament as it's at wembley and the atmosphere couldn't be any different to the other scheduled torunament over the coveted year. The crowd are noisy and boisterous and have no qualms about shouting out. 2 years ago the young Chinese lad Ding Jun Hui was reduced to tears and left the arena mid frame to sulk in his dressing room, such was the voiciferous backing they gave to O'Sullivan. I read the other day that Ronnie deliberately smashed his cue up in what he called a clensing, healing process. Many players have the same cue throughout the whole career, which makes it even more bizzare and funny. Ronnie's nuts, and there's probably a lot of people out there who think he's a wanker, but i love watching him play and wouldn't watch snooker if he wasn't.

On the subject of sport i hope to get back into playing tennis soon. I normally don't return to playing until May(which J jokingly said was very early the other day!) but i got a call from Nev the other day saying that i will be playing in the 4th team this year. They will be in div 2 so the standard should be fairly decent, so returning ahead of schedule is probably a wise idea. Gareth and J are both keen to start playing again too, so hopefully we can get some hits organised.

As for work, it has been relatively quiet since returning after the xmas break, which i guess isn't surprising. I find it difficult to pretend that i'm busy, so i actually would embrace the idea of being genuinely busy! well, not too busy of course as i need time to browse the QPR message boards and watch classic porn. I have written a few case studies for the website which has been quite good. If you're bored shitless go to bbv.co.uk and case studies and there is some of the stuff that i have produced.

Lastly it is the return of the darts season. The recent world Championship combined with the upcoming premier league always generates a renewed interest in playing as well. Me, Daz, Gareth and J played on Thursday. We weren't exactly firing on all cylinders but it was a good laugh all the same, with some closely fought legs. We have a fair few crazes going on at the moment - spontaneous wrestling, darts and now the new one, quiz machines! Long may they continue!

New job

Ok, so this is my 4th day now at my new job and so far so good. It was all very strange when i first started - new surroundings, new journey to work, new staff ect but i'm starting to feel more settled now. The thing i didn't realise is how small my company. Only 3 permanent members of staff and a few consultants that deliver training elsewhere. Although the office is relatively big, the premises are predominantly for Park Royal Partnership staff, which is the company that owns ours.
The role looks like it will be really good. I'm going to be in charge of updating the website with different features, writing material for the leaflets/fliers etc and there will be some financial duties as well such as dealing with invoices and monthly claim figures. The whole set up here is far more professional. JGA was a shithole in comparison, where you could happily laugh, joke and play pranks all day. I kind of miss that, but it had gone very stale there and it was definitely time to move on. I've been so tired in the evenings. Each day's been pretty taxing on the mind, learning all this new stuff so i've been falling asleep by about 9 o'clock!
On a seperate note i went to the Lowlands comedy night last saturday. It wasn't as good as the year before where i'd gone with Alex. The reason to mention this night is because one of the comedians fell completely flat. It was a young women, but she totally fucked up the first joke through nerves and stuttered over her words which affected the timing of the punchline. After that it was hell, really embarrasing with no laughter, not even a murmer. It was a shame and i felt sorry for her as she might have been better received had her start been more confident and assured. I'd have fucked her too. Should have offered a shoulder to cry on...
There's RE bent tonight, but i've no idea of what heads are going. Tomorrow is good as i'm the only one in, so they'll be plenty of time to fuck about and try and secure some oasis tickets for Wembley stadium next summer